Life

The Ferguson Report: Greens fight Labor over emissions reductions to keep their jobs

GREENS’ TARGET PURE AS THE DRIVEN BICYCLE

The Greens kiboshed the Emissions Trading Scheme in 2009, saving Australia from a climate-preserving measure being enshrined in law.

Now, they’re threatening to kibosh Labor’s Emissions Reduction Target because it might reduce emissions and put them out of a job.

“Stopping the ERT will keep our effect on emissions at a perfect zero,” said a pursed-lipped Greens perfectionist.

“For us, it’s all of nothing or nothing at all.”

Greens leader Adam Bandt said he has the ‘balance of power’. This is where a couple of outsider senators run the country despite the wishes of the majority.

A spokespinner standing aboard the Greens flagship, the Rainbow Botherer, said: “It’s like standing on the scales but only with one foot.”

DUTTON DOIN’ DUTTON

Opposition leader Peter Dutton has coyly hinted he won’t support a 43 per cent emissions reduction target by 2030 because it would be tantamount to doing something.

Besides, the Nationals won’t decide until the submarines arrive.

“We will announce that before the next election,” Mr Dutton told the ABC, without mentioning that any time between now and the next election is technically ‘before the next election’.

ANGLICAN MARRIAGE RULES OF HENRY THE 8TH

The Anglican Sydney diocese have ruled that school principals must sign a statement affirming they believe marriage can exist only between a man and a woman.

They did not specify which man or woman.

The ruling is being challenged by an alliance of concerned parents known as ‘The Love Group’ (it’s not what you think).

During the 2017 postal survey on marriage equality, the Sydney Anglicans blew one million dollars of God’s superannuation cash on the “No” campaign.

God, who created gay people, has been speechless ever since.

Then Anglican Archbishop of Sydney Glenn Davies made the failed investment “so that marriage is held in honour among all and the marriage bed is not defiled”.

This outraged hetero married couples who enjoy defiling their beds as often as possible.

The Anglican Church was instigated by Henry the Eighth who showed that an Anglican man can marry a woman, then another woman, then another and another and another … and after a decapitation … another.

In other news…